Real "Love" is rarely found today. Most marriages are publicity stunts, business deals or over before they begin. But every now and then you see one that seems like it'll work; and while I generally don't pay any mind to what the celebs are doing, I kinda had high hopes for Boobie and Keyshia. It seemed real, and I'm pretty good at reading folks. Nevertheless, everyone makes mistakes, and most times, it's left up to US, ladies, to decide if a mistake is forgivable or the last nail in the coffin.
I don't follow the news and we gave up on TV over a year ago but from what I've gathered, this brother has joined the club of brothers who have fallen for the worst kind of woman, a stripper. While he is a grown man, capable of making his own choices, he can't have the full blame here BECAUSE (allegedly) his wife introduced him to said stripper....at the strip club. YEP, you read that right. And I know for a fact that this is not uncommon. In fact, it's a growing trend among our people. Sexual "openness" in marriages and supposedly monogamous relationships. We hear it in the music, see it on the "reality" shows, read about it in books, etc. It's actually a huge "trend" in the black community. Somehow we believe that MORE overt sexuality can fix the problems that exist between us; but is it really ok to open your marriage up to outsiders? And if you do, can you blame a man for walking through that door and taking full advantage? I don't think so.
As women, we set the tone for just about everything around us. Our home life, our love life, our work life, everything feeds on our energy and what we ALLOW. Our foremothers understood this. We've forgotten it. We are taught that we have to bend to the world's way of doing things to "get by" or to achieve the success we want, be it in love or in life, when it's really the opposite. We are shown that if we don't do it the way the radio says we should he'll leave and find someone who will. Well, when it comes to "due benevolence" (as the scripture puts it so eloquently) YES, he will find someone who will if you refuse to do your job as a wife BUT there are things that are inappropriate for ANY couple to be involved in, ESPECIALLY a married couple. Allowing outsiders into y'alls SACRED space is inappropriate and a recipe for disaster. I know everyone has their own 'boundaries' but come'on nah! Bringing your husband to a place filled with women who's JOB is to entice and seduce him is not only inappropriate it's downright foolish! Yeah the media pushes it to make it look cool but the media's agenda is to break up homes so who are you gonna follow?
Even for the unrepentant among us, a marriage should be a sacred space. To violate it is painful. Not every woman who is cheated on has bust the door down and put another woman in her man's lap, but on some level she must take responsibility. "A well kept dog won't roam too far from home". So with that understood, is an instance of infidelity unforgivable? If the woman can understand her share of the problem can it be worked through? I think so. I know of very few old school marriages where at least one spouse hasn't done something that seemed "unforgivable" at some point. There is always a time that they can look back on and wonder how they ever got through "that". But they got through it. They were not taught, as we are today, that there are "more fish in the sea". Women knew the importance of standing by their man and keeping the family together. Now granted, there are some things that are unforgivable. (i.e. violence) There are some men who will cheat in the next room and lie with a straight face. Typically its because they've been programmed by the media to think that having many women makes them more of a man. However, we're talking here about sensible adults who sometimes make mistakes. And yes, I know you don't just 'slip' and fall into some "JJ" but even the righteous fall sometimes.
I think our generation is far too spoiled. We want the easy way IN and the easy way OUT. We get married for all the wrong reasons. Which explains the divorce rate. It's much too easy nowadays to jump ship when the waves get rough. We have no foresight to say, "this too shall pass". The leather-tough skin of our foreparents has devolved into lily soft skin that bruises and breaks at the first sign of turmoil. To keep our families thriving, we have to man up and WOMAN UP. We have to take responsibility when things go wrong between us and say "what part did I play in this?" and be willing to work through it and correct it. Especially when there are children involved. They are watching the way we love each other, and learning to do the same. Speaking of "watchers", another no-no that us 'new schoolers' love to participate in is putting our relationship problems on the frontline for the whole world to chime in on. Your social network does NOT need to know what's going on in your house. Understand that there are vultures out there waiting to see a crack in the foundation of your love and slither right on in. The scripture calls for us to separate ourselves, so the repentant among us should know better. That means separate your marriage too! If you have a problem with your spouse, your FB friends won't fix it. Take it to your spouse, and if you can't, take it to God! The main ones telling you to "leave him" and "you don't have to take that" will be the main ones trying to fill your spot when you go. Cast your cares on the ONE who cares for you!
With all that being said, I know there are some young women who understand the power of forgiveness. I'm not talking about stupidity. I'm talking about understanding, responsibility, LOVE, and commitment. To them I say, it doesn't make you weak to want to keep your family together. It doesn't make you foolish to want to work through your issues. Some brothers WANT to live like the world, don't force the water. But in a situation where there is sincere regret, and real effort to correct a wrongdoing, learn to be forgiving. Not only of him, but of yourself for whatever part you played. Don't hear the naysayers because they are usually lonely and bitter, looking to add you to their club. Honor your marriage. Honor the vows you made to your spouse and to God. Remember that He doesn't just drop you when you mess up and He forgives our trespasses AS WE FORGIVE those who trespass against us. If we will not forgive, how can we expect to be forgiven? Even if you must part ways...Forgive.
Peace &&More Love
Shalom
As women, we set the tone for just about everything around us. Our home life, our love life, our work life, everything feeds on our energy and what we ALLOW. Our foremothers understood this. We've forgotten it. We are taught that we have to bend to the world's way of doing things to "get by" or to achieve the success we want, be it in love or in life, when it's really the opposite. We are shown that if we don't do it the way the radio says we should he'll leave and find someone who will. Well, when it comes to "due benevolence" (as the scripture puts it so eloquently) YES, he will find someone who will if you refuse to do your job as a wife BUT there are things that are inappropriate for ANY couple to be involved in, ESPECIALLY a married couple. Allowing outsiders into y'alls SACRED space is inappropriate and a recipe for disaster. I know everyone has their own 'boundaries' but come'on nah! Bringing your husband to a place filled with women who's JOB is to entice and seduce him is not only inappropriate it's downright foolish! Yeah the media pushes it to make it look cool but the media's agenda is to break up homes so who are you gonna follow?
Even for the unrepentant among us, a marriage should be a sacred space. To violate it is painful. Not every woman who is cheated on has bust the door down and put another woman in her man's lap, but on some level she must take responsibility. "A well kept dog won't roam too far from home". So with that understood, is an instance of infidelity unforgivable? If the woman can understand her share of the problem can it be worked through? I think so. I know of very few old school marriages where at least one spouse hasn't done something that seemed "unforgivable" at some point. There is always a time that they can look back on and wonder how they ever got through "that". But they got through it. They were not taught, as we are today, that there are "more fish in the sea". Women knew the importance of standing by their man and keeping the family together. Now granted, there are some things that are unforgivable. (i.e. violence) There are some men who will cheat in the next room and lie with a straight face. Typically its because they've been programmed by the media to think that having many women makes them more of a man. However, we're talking here about sensible adults who sometimes make mistakes. And yes, I know you don't just 'slip' and fall into some "JJ" but even the righteous fall sometimes.
I think our generation is far too spoiled. We want the easy way IN and the easy way OUT. We get married for all the wrong reasons. Which explains the divorce rate. It's much too easy nowadays to jump ship when the waves get rough. We have no foresight to say, "this too shall pass". The leather-tough skin of our foreparents has devolved into lily soft skin that bruises and breaks at the first sign of turmoil. To keep our families thriving, we have to man up and WOMAN UP. We have to take responsibility when things go wrong between us and say "what part did I play in this?" and be willing to work through it and correct it. Especially when there are children involved. They are watching the way we love each other, and learning to do the same. Speaking of "watchers", another no-no that us 'new schoolers' love to participate in is putting our relationship problems on the frontline for the whole world to chime in on. Your social network does NOT need to know what's going on in your house. Understand that there are vultures out there waiting to see a crack in the foundation of your love and slither right on in. The scripture calls for us to separate ourselves, so the repentant among us should know better. That means separate your marriage too! If you have a problem with your spouse, your FB friends won't fix it. Take it to your spouse, and if you can't, take it to God! The main ones telling you to "leave him" and "you don't have to take that" will be the main ones trying to fill your spot when you go. Cast your cares on the ONE who cares for you!
With all that being said, I know there are some young women who understand the power of forgiveness. I'm not talking about stupidity. I'm talking about understanding, responsibility, LOVE, and commitment. To them I say, it doesn't make you weak to want to keep your family together. It doesn't make you foolish to want to work through your issues. Some brothers WANT to live like the world, don't force the water. But in a situation where there is sincere regret, and real effort to correct a wrongdoing, learn to be forgiving. Not only of him, but of yourself for whatever part you played. Don't hear the naysayers because they are usually lonely and bitter, looking to add you to their club. Honor your marriage. Honor the vows you made to your spouse and to God. Remember that He doesn't just drop you when you mess up and He forgives our trespasses AS WE FORGIVE those who trespass against us. If we will not forgive, how can we expect to be forgiven? Even if you must part ways...Forgive.
Peace &&More Love
Shalom
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